Why God Could Never Be Elected to Public Office My dears. I was attending political debate between two candidates for the US Senate when I overheard the most absurd statement. A young boy in the audience asked his mother who was winning. Winning? It is to laugh. There are no winners in politics, there are only losers, and the public loses out most of all. Politics is such a losing game. You go to the polls and choose the lesser of two evils. What a pity. The greater evil is far more qualified to serve. Honestly, most of you believe that politicians are lying, cheating, two-faced, greedy, powermad, incompetents who think only of themselves. So why sell yourself short? Vote for the candidate best suited for the job. Choose the greater of the two evils.
I hear some of you laughing. It’s true. Maybe you foolishly believe that a candidate free from sin could win an election? Oh, now I must laugh. You are sadly mistaken. The closer they are to being divine, the worse they do at the polls. Oh dear, I sense that many of you still don’t believe me. I shall have to torture you for that. But before I do that I will prove my point.
No one could be more divine that God Himself. Let’s see how he measures up as a candidate for public office. Here’s God’s platform.
Capital Punishment - He’s for it and He’s against it.
He’s got two different opinions on this issue. That would be a point in his favor if he didn’t reveal them both at the same time. A politician is supposed to show one before the election and the other after. God doesn’t know this little trick. He expresses them both in the same speech to Moses.
God against capital punishment:
"Thou Shalt not Kill" - This seems to be simple and clear.
"When a man strikes his slave, male or female, with a rod and the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished." - He said punished, not put to death.
"But if the slave survives a day or two, he is not to be punished, for the slave is his money."- You see, it’s OK to kill if the person you killed is your slave and it takes a while for him or her to die.
God for capital punishment:
"Whoever strikes a man so that he dies shall be put to death." - Hmm, what about the person who puts people to death? I guess he has some kind of divine get-out-of-hell free card.
"Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death." - Oh dear, that seems a little strict.
"Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be out to death." - Oh dear, that seems more than a little strict.
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." - Oh dear, He just lost the entire Wiccan vote.
So I guess God is for capital punishment, as long as the people getting killed are people that He hates.
Abortion - He’s for it.
"When men strive together and hurt a woman with child, so that there is a miscarriage, and yet no harm follows, the one who hurt her shall be fined, according as the woman’s husband shall lay upon him;" - You see, there’s a loophole. If the husband wants the abortion he won’t lay a fine. Abortion is legal. You know, it’s odd that God’s position on abortion is the opposite of how Christians stand on abortion. I guess they don’t read the bible.
Slavery - He’s for it.
"When you buy a Hebrew slave, he shall serve six years, and in the seventh he shall go free, for nothing." - That seems very clear. God is pro-slavery, well, at least for Jewish slaves. I feel He just lost the Jewish vote.
"When a man sells his daughter as a slave, [it’s OK]" - Oh dear. Well, if God runs in the south he might stand a chance.
Freedom of Speech - He’s against it.
"You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain;" - Now that seems really God Damn clear. God is against free speech.
"You shall not utter a false report." - That would end politics altogether.
"You shall not revile God, nor curse a ruler of your people." - That’s how he plans on staying in office. Slinging mud at him would be illegal. All his opponents would end up in jail.
Freedom of religion - He’s against it.
"Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." - It seems that God would like to get rid of the first amendment altogether.
"Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them or serve them;" - Oh dear, do the Catholics know about this?
Bankers - He’s against them.
"If you lend money to any of my people who is poor, you shall not be to him as a creditor, and you shall not exact interest from him." - I must admit it’s a clever plan to reduce the national debt.
He supports a 6 day work week.
"Six days shall you do your work, but on the seventh day you shall rest;" - Oh my, He just lost the labor vote.
He supports human and animal sacrifice.
"The first-born of your sons you shall give to me. You shall do likewise with your oxen and your sheep:" - Oh dear, the taxes God wants to levy seem a little severe.
God’s a liberal on some issues, a conservative on others, and a lunatic on a few. That makes him like Ross Perot. I’m sure he’d get a few votes from ultra-conservatives and some left wing radicals. But His political career is doomed. If someone dug into His past they would find out about all the murders he committed, His adulterous affair with Mary, the time He commanded Abraham to kill his son, and so many other sordid tales. God makes Clinton look like a schoolboy. He would never get my vote. I’m sure He’d never get your votes either.
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.