Quotes in quotation marks belong to others. Quotes not in quotation marks are my own.
Don't worry! This life is just a practice run. The next one is for real.
"The triangle wheel was an improvement upon the square wheel: it eliminated one bump."
Excitement is a loan on future happiness.
"Never argue with a moron. They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."
Become an intellectual-property pirate! Help put an end to artificial scarcity.
"Life is a sexually transmitted, 100%-lethal disease."
Sargeant Law of Diminishing Returns:
The amount of work accomplished in a group is inversely proportional to the number of members squared.
I don't read conclusions that begin with "In this article, we..."
In light of Hurricane Katrina:
If you sit in the soak zone at Sea World, you're going to get wet!
...And in other news, the US Patent office has approved the patent for the Pythagorean Theorem. I'm sorry to report that you must pay the patent holder, John Doe, $5 each time you calculate a distance. Alternatively, you can use Manhattan distance (i.e., dx + dy) to avoid Patent infringement.
Computers are starting to affect me. I feel the urge to fork() my life whenever I think of a great idea for a project but don't have time to work on it.
fork() is a Linux function that spawns a new process.
The movie-making industry sinks to new lows:
According to the movie "John Q", it's okay to hold up an emergency room and threaten to kill people in order to demand health care. In fact, people may even praise you as a hero!
Whenever something doesn't work in Linux, switch to the root user and try it again
'Person! I'm going to be late!': The politically correct form of the expression 'Man! I'm going to be late!'
Don't donate to charity! Donate to cancer research!
After working for a company for several months, I always feel the urge to warn customers NOT to buy the company's products.
"Perl - Made by Idiots, Java - Made for Idiots, C++ - Envied by Idiots"
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The heart is overrated. Follow your liver instead!
"What Atheist is there who does not know that a moral god would not order murder, war, hospital bombings, ethnic cleansing, mob violence, censorship, tyranny, voter fraud, dissemination of lies, character assignations and thefts from the common treasury of the United States to operate their schools and churches?"
I wonder if the human race will regard this century as the Dark Ages 1000 years from now?
"After mach we need to make an FPS game with the leader character an athiest, fighting off zombified delusional christians hell bent on brainwashing society" --Tom Pittlik
In light of my recent experience with teamwork, production time should be measured in hours/man rather than man*hours.
If you set the tax rate to 50% in SimCity the Sims would riot. Why, then, don't Americans riot when income tax, Social Security, Medicare, state tax, and sales tax exceed 50%?
Income tax is a nightmare. If we eliminated income taxes, then people would have more time to devote to something productive. We could also eliminate quasi-jobs like "tax man" and "IRS accountant" that don't contribute anything useful to society.
"Children's brains are like fresh mashed potatoes that you can push around with your fork, making a little bowl to hold your gravy. If you get to them early, you create little citizens who grow up to enthusiastically volunteer for amazingly dangerous tasks—such as killing people in other countries." —Scott Adams
amn't - the correct contraction of "am not". Examples: "I amn't going"; "I'm correct, amn't I?" Many people mistakenly use the phrase "aren't I?" at the end of interrogatory sentences, even though "are" is clearly the wrong pronoun.
Stop the deception! Don't buy software from companies who offer "solutions"! Their software will undoubtedly cause you more problems that it solves.
Improve wages and living standards around the world. Send our jobs overseas!
You know you're in deep trouble when your debugger crashes more often than the program you're debugging.
A thesaurus is a programmer's best friend.
"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't"
THE COMPUTER EXORICST SPECIALISTS:
Has your computer been acting strange lately? Do you sense an evil spirit prowling in the bowels of your processor that causes you immeasurable grief? Our trained staff will recite a series of incantations to purge the foul demons lurking within...
16.6ms is an awfully short period of time to render one frame.
Life would be much easier if everyone wore nametags.
"In a land without fences, who needs Gates?"
"It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone" - Xcoolrising122X
"I climbed the door and shut the stairs, I sayed my pajamas and put on my prayers, I shut off my sheets and got under the light and all because you kissed me good night" - Purplexi
"A million words wouldnt bring you back,i know because I tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because ive cried" - punkrockgrl898
"When you love someone, it's something. When someone loves you, it's another thing. When you love the person who loves you back, it's everything." - juicifruits
"I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or smile at me, because I know that even for a second that i've crossed your mind." - sugaRush
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." - LilChickie1056
"What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?" - creamanpeachez
"You know your in love when all you can think about is that one special person and you can't stand to be away from them for more then 1 sec. and miss then even though they're standing right next to you. You fall asleep thinking about them, and dream about them every night." - ever1lovesmaria
"I went outside the other night, looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you. Everything was going great but then I ran out of stars..." - kaylamarie23
"If ever a day goes by where I dont say I love you, may never a moment go by with out you knowing I do." - lovestruck2217
"*~Don't fall for anyone that can't catch you...*~" - legallyblnd32
"If you love someone put their name in a circle instead of a heart, because hearts can break but circles go on forever. (anonymous)" - calisweety45
"Don't frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile :)" - stargirl13251214
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go...while others stay awhile and leave footprints in our hearts and we are never quite the same..." - ellie21
"I could search my whole life through and through an never find another you!!" - AngeIEyes5272
"Dont cry because it is over, smile because it happened" - cutey2078
"I'm too tired to talk but I'll be happy to listen to you breathe" - aznchyli4
"Sometimes my mind just throbs with overwhelming thoughts... My head spins with inspiration and insight. ...Tonight I could compose a great poem... Or I could write eternal truths that would elevate mankind to heights untold.
...Or I could just take an aspirin and go to bed."
"It's hard to believe that someday these will be considered 'the good old days'"
"...SPECIAL BULLETIN...
Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled"
"Sometimes I feel like an outsider to the human race"
"Do a little more each day than everyone expects of you...and soon...everyone will expect more"
"The secret of living without frustration and worry...is to avoid becoming personally involved in your own life"
How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least ten: a chief programmer, a system analyst, an SQA, a moderator, a recorder, a tester, a trainer, a risk manager, a developer, and a librarian.
I don't attend seminars that use the word "cultivate" unless it's used in reference to agriculture.
Hilarious bumper stickers:
Actual announcement on the radio:
"Hello, I'm here to tell you about the Unity of Phoenix...We don't tell you what to believe...We just help you feel the presence of God in every moment."
It's the strangest thing walking with someone who has the same name. Complete strangers yell "Hi, John!", and you wonder, "Do I know you??"
Affirmative action is discrimination.
Actual message inside a CD case:
"The complete liner notes for Oh My Goddess are included with the first DVD, and are also available online.
The only reason this card is in this package is because if it wasn't here, you'd call us or email us to ask "How come there are no liner notes in Oh My Goddess DVD 2?" and quite frankly, it's cheaper to print this card than answer the phone and reply to emails.
PS: Normally, we'd put some nice picture on the space to the right, but we need to get this to the printer right now, so you're out of luck!"
Actual error message produced by Dev-C++ after reporting 500 linker errors:
[General Error] Too many messages; abort.
There must be something terribly wrong with your code. Please fix it.
I hang up on telemarketers.
Hishertheir (hiz'er thâr), pron. A favorite word among computer programmers used in sentences where the subject is uncertain. For instance, "The evil empire ended hishertheir alliance with you."
"Actions speak louder than words."
"Love yourself as much as I love you."
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies."
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable."
"Aliens are a myth but Santa's for real."
"F*** me in the Ozarks! You humans found our weakness: water. Yes, we failed to realize that water—the most abundant substance on your planet—would kill us although we can walk around freely without wearing body suits despite all the natural humidity and water vapor in your atmosphere. Agghhhhh!" —Maddox the Wise on the movie "Signs"
(Click here for the complete review)
parasitism: (par'e si tiz'em), n. 1. a relation between organisms in which one lives as a parasite on another. 2. a parsitic mode of existence. Example: Indian gaming.
"Change is inevitable except from copying machines and pay phones."
Don't you just hate TLA's? (three-letter acronyms)
Whatever your dilemma, odds are that someone has encountered it before you.
Driving is the second greatest thrill known to mankind; parking is the first.
DO NOT READ THE LINE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE!!!
Call now for your free trial!
Program includes four cassettes containing the most BORING lectures you will ever hear!
TESTIMONIALS:
A masterpiece is the culmination of a hundred brilliant ideas.
Spontaneous humor is the best kind.
Astronomers make the best weathermen.
Want to turn back time? Just twist the knob on the back of your clock.
oxymoron, n., pl. -mora. A figure of speech that uses seeming contradictions. Examples: "war on terrorism", "scientific creationism", "good morning", "war to end all wars", "fight for peace"
Crop circles: advertising of the 21st century:
"Look!! Even the aliens recommend our product!"
http://www.circlemakers.org/withabix.html
(Synopsis: A dubious organization accepts commisions to engrave geometric patterns in unsuspecting farmers' crops under the cloak of night.)
"THE TRUTH IS...
A. Powerful. C. In the eye of the beholder.
B. Irrelevant. D. All of the above."
"Good planets are hard to find."
"War doesn't decide who's right - only who's left."
Computer programming is most challenging, frustrating, and rewarding activity known to mankind.
A country has reached a sad state when religious ministers are exempt from the draft, but scientists and teachers are not.
Another P2P proggie bites the dust. May a new P2P proggie quickly gain popularity to fill the void!
http://news.com.com/2100-1023-922729.html
(Synopsis: AudioGalaxy sued by RIAA for copyright infringement)
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
"Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
"Against abortion? Don't have one."
The reality of abortion:
"The America [pro-lifers] can look forward to will see offshore (or even overseas) abortion facilities established for those women who can afford them and a return of unlicensed (and often unskilled) abortion practitioners for those who can't, a black market in RU-486 pills, nearly 2% of women between the ages of 15-44 on death row (or at least locked away for life) or hundreds of thousands of more babies born to mothers who do not want them and are often not capable or willing to take care of them, pregnant women being dragged away in handcuffs to government reproduction camps to ensure they carry their pregnancies to term, rape victims walking around for nine months with the fruits of the loins of their assailants...yes, that'll certainly put our country on the straight and narrow." -The Expatriate
Stop the deception! Don't buy products with prices ending in nines!
"Lots of companies life sell insurance. Churches sell after-life insurance."
"Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." -George Santayana
"An Apple a day keeps Windows away!"
"Lottery - A tax on people who are bad at math"
"Don't blame me! I voted for Nader."
"Hi, I'm an AOL profile virus. Please add this line to your AOL profile and help me spread :-)"
Video games are starting to affect me. I feel the urge to "save" my life before making critical decisions.
Cellularitis: the condition where an individual presses a plastic case to his ear and talks to himself.
"The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything." -Josef Stalin
"100% of people who inhale second-hand smoke will die"
Food for thought: Second-hand smoke contains a higher concentration of deadly chemicals than mainstream smoke (the smoke that smokers breathe). It contains over four thousand chemicals, two hundred of which are poisonous, and over forty of which are carcinogens.
Ashamed to be an American!
"There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't"
"Don't pray in my school and I won't think in your church."
In light of the World Trade Center's collapse:
"Please tell me why do we build castles in the sky. Oh, tell me why all the castles way up high."
"Political bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant, if you kiss my ass."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
"Revenge is a dish best eaten cold."
Send comments to delta17@cox.net.
Haha, reverse psychology is great.