• So our tour director, Kate, is indeed from Australia and looks like Kim Basinger.
• And our Coach Captain, Johnny, is a big bald bastard from New Zealand.
• Johnny put on a techno version of Hey, Baby, then warned that we are not to use the coach bathroom for #2, ever.
• Then we drove off to the White Cliffs of Dover, through a treeless, foggy field where plague victims are buried. The field is to never be disturbed, in case the virus is still alive under there.
• The White Cliffs were kind of a letdown. They're more like Sandy Yellowish Cliffs.
• But then we got on a ferry to France, bus and all.
• I sat at a window at a cafe on the ferry and read my book, after talking a little to Sergio from Guadalajara (currently living in Mexicali) who is on our tour. He started speaking Spanish to me, reminding me how little I remember. Gah!
• But then we got to France and could drive on the right side of the road again!
• So Kate made us get up and introduce ourselves to people on the tour bus, and we had to rotate every five minutes.
• We sat and rotated for about an hour.
• After driving for like 12 years, we came to the Netherlands border, where we got out to grab something to eat.
• It is hard to find vegetarian meals at rest stops in Europe, so I cobbled together an ice cream, a banana and a Heineken.
• I'm on vacation, so nyah.
• Talked to a big tall redheaded Aussie named Darren, who was also reading a book by himself. Then Jeri came over and sat with us.

  

• After we got back on the bus, Kate told us that the Dutch believe that everyone is a pillar of society, including the prostitutes and drug dealers. Everyone has their place, which is why they're so tolerant.
• Then she played that clip from "Pulp Fiction" where John Travolta talks about how you can get weed in Amsterdam, beer in McDonald's in France, and how it's called a Royale with cheese and they eat their fries with mayonaise.
• Jeri likes fries with mayonaise.
• Actually, that doesn't sound too bad.

  

• So we found our tiny tiny tiny little hotel room, but it had a nice bathroom and no bidet (hallelujiah!).
• We went downstairs for dinner and deepy offended the inkeeper woman because we dove into the buffet without eating her vegetable soup first.
• Jeri and I were like, "Who cares?"
• But if you take this tour with Contiki, please eat the soup first. It's not nice to hurt people's feelings. The Dutch really want you to try their soup.
• So anyways, after the starchy buffet (college!) we set out for downtown Amsterdam.
• It is very, very pretty. They have a main street that reminds you of Vegas, and the rest is all peaceful and shines off the canals.
• We all got on this little boat and took a moonlight canal cruise.
• Jeri, Darren, Sarah and I had to stand at the back of the boat because there weren't enough seats. But that was ok, we sat up on the counters.
• I consumed a plate of Dutch cheese, another plate of this tasty cracker bread stuff, two glasses of wine and six Heinekens.
• And I was still sober, because I have a steel liver.

  

• So we got off the boat and walked around the Red Light District.
• The girls all wear bikinis and kind of wiggle their butts in the windows. There are these red florescent lights above them, and curtains they draw when they're busy.
• They looked bored. The glass windows were all kind of stacked on top of each other, so it looked like a prostitute vending machine.
• I went inside the Grasshopper Coffee House and had... uh, coffee.

Prost!